I wish I could be strong
Like you,
And bold and spirited too,
That I could discard, so easily, mercilessly,
and without care,
Everything about you,
Like you did of me,

I wish I could be strong
Like her,
That girl, over there,
And bold, and spirited too,
Torn and alone, scarred and bruised,
She stands tall,
Vowing to fight on.

It’s been a while since I last posted here. 2012 is half over, it’s scary how time flies. I’ve not done half the things I wanted to. But there’s only me to blame. I’ve been so lazy. Anyway, this is something I wrote some time ago, as sort of like an experiment to describe an object, i think it was a flower —

Her eyelids flickered as the first rays of the morning sun glimmered upon her. Lazily, she woke to greet the new day, shedding off the morning dew, now sparkling on her purplish skin. Like other women spending hours by the mirror, perfecting every wrinkle, every crease, she watched her reflection on the calm lake upon where she stood, as she adjusted the pleats of the sleeves of her purple gown; her petals now in bloom making it ever more picturesque. She nodded at her friends; the weariness of yesterday seen no more in them. Everywhere she looked, calmness greeted her. Oh, what it was like to grow up in this beautiful forest under the shades of trees, free from the axe of the man. As hours passed by, the heat of the sun bore down on her. Her day was eventful. She had watched the Black Kitten chase Big Monkey, and laughed till her sides ached. She had flapped at the flies who rested on her and listened to the songs of the Koel bird. She had blushed when a gush of wind had nearly swept Big Oak towards her. He was the most handsome of trees, and everyone said he had a thing for her.

As evening drew, however, she was tired and sleepy. She was about to curl up in bed, when, out of nowhere she heard a gleeful voice. “Mama look! It’s beautiful.” It was a girl, no it was a boy. She panicked. This wasn’t pleasant. Splash, splash… before she knew it, blots of water were thrown at her. She listened with fear to the hurrying thump of the boy. She let out a cry as she felt his gigantic hand on her body. She begged her to let him be. She heard Big Oak cry out, his hands reaching out to her. But, there was no gust of wind to steer him to her this time. She wriggled, but ‘chakas’… she was snatched from where she stood… And as tears filled her eyes, the same gleeful voice filled the air, as the little boy danced along merrily, waving her for all to see… she an ornament, not a being.

I know this is a little early, but I want this to get to you fast.

Santa, can you help me win a lottery? I want to buy a car, coz these buses are annoying. I get really late to come home after work and then I leave home really early coz I go by van. So that means, I’ve got very little time to sleep. Don’t you think that’s just sad?

But the thing is, even though I get a car, I’m still not good at driving, especially not with these goons on the road. I close my eyes when vehicles come too fast from the opposite direction. Sigh! But I think that’s coz I lack experience in driving. So help me get a car ok?

Then, can you get me the Becoming Jane DVD? See, I had that. But, this real nasty boy spoilt my copy. And now I can’t find it ANYWHERE. I must have gone to atleast 50 DVD shops, but I still can’t find it. Get me that, please?

Also, can I have lots of white chocolate?

An invisibility cloak?

Purple slippers, silver shoes? Ah wait, I’m going to get some shoes this weekend. So that’s ok.

Ah, an easy diet programme? I’m too fat, but I like to eat also.

Oh… U know Santa, I’ve got two other things to ask you and they are really really important. See, I know people usually ask for this nice boy and that nice boy. Can you do me a huge favour? Can you help me forget that boy (you know what boy, ne)? It’s driving me crazy. I don’t know how you can help me do this, but I know you can and you’re my last hope. Maybe, you can bring me a nice guitarist? Ah, no, no. No boys this Christmas. But please help me forget that bugger ok?

The other big favour I want from you this Christmas Santa is this – This country is a nice country. But these fellows who lead the country are messing it up big time yet again. And just when we thought things might change, the dark truth is just beginning to show. They don’t care about the country, or the people they claim to care about. They only care about themselves. And I fear. I don’t want another big scary war. Please Santa, help these leaders see that? Maybe inject in them some compassion, some respect, and re-charge their brains? I know you can do that too.

That’s about it Santa (I think). If I come across anything more I want from you, I’ll let you know.

Have a nice December.

Bye,

Yet again they are promising to fight corruption, re-establish democracy and restore law and order. Oh and also to abolish the Executive Presidency. Right. It’s like this cycle of promises that keeps going around, renewed every few years. Like it was pointed out in the play ‘The Travelling Circus’ who we need is someone who will see beyond colour. And when will that someone come?

No one tagged me, but I saw a few open tags. Besides I’m a little bored and wanted to re-visit my past to make sense of what’s happening now.

Dear 16,

Sweet sixteen. You’ll pass your O/Ls. Ah, but that wasn’t hard at all, was it? Go ahead with the subjects your father recommends for your A/Ls. You’ll come to love them and they will pretty much shape much of your life thereafter. Mr. Darcy will be especially fascinating, so will GRC be. You’ll also discover skills you thought you never had. You’ll start writing bits and pieces – poems, stories and all that. You’ll have your own little audience in time to come, mostly made up of friends and family – the best audience ever.

Oh next year, you’ll burn half your hand (left side, between shoulder and arm). The tea pot will fall on you. The scar will remain for a long time to come, actually it’s still there. But, don’t worry it wouldn’t be as pink as it once was.

School will be fun. You’ll make new friends, laugh at a few teachers, run around, miss a few of your old buddies.

No need to worry too much about A/Ls. Study a little like you always do. That’ll be enough to get you Colombo Uni. But, dad will send you abroad. You wouldn’t like it at first (need I say that?). But go. At least you’ll learn to cook, pay your own bills and chase away the spiders without screaming about. You’ll meet some lovely people. Be close to them. Oh, do travel around. After all, it’s Shakespeare country, there’s also Pemberly, the musicals, the operas and the parties!

One thing though, you’ll want to come back. Beats me. This bn after passing so well (oh, you’ll be surprised by your result. They’ll be brilliant. Heck, and you studied? Right). But, it’s for the best I guess.

Come back, and you’ll find yourself a job. Something you’ll love to do. You’ll be writing quite a lot. Pay wont be much. But take it. It’ll teach you a lot not just about work, but also about life.

But, please, please, please don’t give up on playing the piano and violin? Remember Mozart’s Sonata in D you started playing two years ago? Keep playing it. You’ll play it later too. Go help out with the orchestra. They helped you become a better violinist right? Also, do keep playing music with your brothers and dad and cousins. Yes at first it’ll just be those piano-violin suzuki duets. But, believe me, in time to come, more instruments and voices will be added to the family band. The harmonies will work out well too, well, not quite, but keep trying. Ah, you’ll start playing your own pieces and doing your own versions. It’ll all be  SO MUCH FUN!

Oh, there’s be this book called Harry Potter that comes out. You’ll try to master those spells, but they never really work. Ah and that Thorpe, the swimmer, BSB, the band, William, the prince, Frank, the guy in French Class… in a few years you’ll be scratching your head trying to remember those fellas. But dream men, it’s good.

All in all, you’ll lead a jolly good life… and then comes the boy, alas, alas. (Oh that last bit of this sentence, you’ll pick it up after you meet this darling old lady) When you’re around 23/24, you’ll experience love and pain like you’ve never known. You’ll know what it’s like to be loved, truly and deeply, but you’ll also know how much love can hurt. Believe me, just forget it. Be brave enough to let him ago. That, by the way, will be one of the hardest things you’ll ever do. Move on, after all, wasn’t it you who ended things first? You have a whole lot of faults yourself. Correct them first. Why go behind him wanting to be his friend? You mean NOTHING to him, okay? But, cherish 2008. Forget the first half of 2009.

But, in this process of finding love, you’ll learn one more thing. Remember those first friends you made when you switched schools when you were 13? Well, they’ll be the ones who’ll stand by you through thick and thin. Stick close to them. You’ll also realize that there’re people to whom you actually mean the whole world.

You’ll lose three people you love. When Buchchi calls you to congratulate you on your Uni results, treat it like your last conversation with her. She’ll cry, she’ll tell you those are happy tears. You know what to do then. You’ll miss her. Remember the last time snoopy runs away with your pretty little band and teddy bear. Oh, did I forget to tell you, you get a dog, he’ll turn out to be the cutest thing ever. But, you’ll miss running behind him. Lastly, He. Like I said earlier, don’t even try to be his friend. There’ll come a point in time when he completely pushes you away. He’ll love others. It’ll hurt like hell. He’ll never see you as a friend, even after everything you’ve been through. Forget it. It’s best that way.

You’ll find a new job. It’ll be good. But, it’ll be busy. You’ll learn not to be too lazy there. You’ll have to work your butt off.

And in time to come, with those lovely ladies and your little brothers, cousins and family, you’ll go back to the jolly good life.

Don’t be too shy. Talk a little with people. Go dance. You’ll dream a lot. That’s ok. One piece of advice – you’re not the rebellious type. Yes, you’ll be up to a few ‘ahem’ things, but your never overly rebellious. So don’t try to be that. Just be who you are.

One last thing to say, you are one lucky lady.

So, just live the way you always lived. Don’t change. Just try to grow up a little, that’s all.

Lotsa luv,

From the bigger you.

Ps – you’ll go for a new hairstyle.. hmmm.. And you’ll grow a little fatter. DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!! 😛

Open tag…

Again I lied to you. Said I was going to meet a “friend”. And now I realize it wasn’t worth it.

It wasn’t HE who asked me if I got home safe or at what time I got home. It was YOU who was standing at the gate. It was YOU who smiled when I came home, and asked me how my day was, my evening was. I didn’t even give you a proper smile back. Shame on me. HE doesn’t care. I mean NOTHING to him. YOU care. I mean EVERYTHING to YOU.

But, why do I always pick on the little things that you say and do, and make a big ding-dang out of it? Why do I not even sit and have a nice little chat with you in the evening, but instead choose to do it with some bugger who doesn’t give two hoots about me? Why don’t I ever learn?

Is it a mother-daughter thing, or is it just coz I’m a little off in the head?